you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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