Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
