So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
