get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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