seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Randomize
