I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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