nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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