fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
