it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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