He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
