Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
