I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
