after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
