don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
