I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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