No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
