YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
