oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
