if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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