This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
