final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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