I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He has the fingertips of a God
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
