but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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