see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
