my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
