dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
