Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
