sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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