My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
