Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
