just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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