Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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