I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
