Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
