I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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