Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
