just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
