i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Randomize
