Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
