a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
