just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I lost the right to judge tonight
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
