I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
