My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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