I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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