I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
