Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
