maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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