I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Randomize
