so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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