I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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